Holden Days

We have come a long way in 2009.
Sitting here I can hear the distant roar of a tiger. It isn't an angry roar - more like something you would expect to emanate from one of the hounds of the Baskervilles on a foggy night across the moors - a haunting and guttural roar. It echoes up through the floorboards from the depths of the toy room below. Suddenly I hear a cry. Lucy has knocked her head running into the wall as she tried to escape Ella's roaring Shere Khan. For some strange reason Ella had convinced her to run with a blanket over her head. They had both just finished watching Jungle Book and Ella, determined to remain in Jungle Book mode, was chasing her little sister around the house trying to "eat" her.
Just at that moment I hear another sound springing from the midst of the house. It is a mechanical sound with a few beeps, some churning and then a chuckle and it is getting closer. Suddenly the door is flung open to reveal the young rabble-raiser-in-training, Joshua, riding in on the iRoomba robot vacuum cleaner. Frustrated at not knowing exactly how to operate its movement he chuckles each time it finally lurches forward in the direction he wants to go.
And thus another day begins in the wild hinterland we call home!

Yes we are certified instructors in this asylum. Tasked with helping these wild and mad beasts evolve into normal and civilized citizens of the human race. Having read the opening lines you may question our ability and indeed our success in such a monumental and thankless task. But like many other of our fellow instructors across the world known simply as "parents", we have managed to convince ourselves not only that it is worth it but that we are succeeding. Let us present Exhibit A in our defense.

Mackenzie Marie Holden. This was once a wild, uncontrollable and raging animal. A species once known for her spontaneous acts of hysterics. Such activities, while usually most prevalent in private where there was an available door to slam, were also prominent wherever large groups of civilized humans were gathered - supermarkets, bus stops, theatres, restaurants etc. These hysterics, instantly recognizable by the distinct ear-splitting and lengthy screams, the dramatic flinging of her body to the floor as if having been shot, the constant kicking of her legs in the air and the instant embarrassment of those burdened with her care, were once common. But with careful instruction and the odd bit of experimentation which is the license of all "parents", we present to you today an evolved being. She smiles and says she loves us. She helps look after the smaller beasts that frequent our four walls. Dressing some, helping others brush teeth and even teaching some the art of playing safely. She has learned to look at books without ripping the pages out and seems to comprehend much of what is written within them now without the use of pictures. She laughs and understands the communication form we call humour on a basic level. Even to the point that she now feels capable of telling her dad when she thinks a joke is not funny. I asked her how you catch a unique rabbit. She looked at me blankly as I tried to explain that you 'neak up on it. I then asked her how you catch a tame rabbit. Again, the same blank stare as I explained in a mock cartoon voice that you do it the 'tame way, you 'neak up on it. And then quite quickly and dismissively she informed me that just was not funny. Ho hum! Anyway. She does her homework. She eats all of her food and she puts her dishes away. She now knows what is appropriate to wear and what is not appropriate to wear. She is turning into a wonderfully smart and caring child who is obedient and aware. She is currently looking forward to being baptized next summer. I should finally mention that she is showing signs of being a tough and hardy soul too. This year has seen the introduction of the tooth fairy to our home. Mackenzie has lost two bottom teeth (that is teeth on the bottom of her jaw not teeth on her bottom). More importantly is the manner of the loss. She has been excitedly wobbling these teeth for weeks and in each instance instead of waiting for nature to takes it course, decided to take matters into her own hands. Both times she disappeared into the bathroom without us realizing her purpose, only for her to emerge victoriously holding aloft the extracted tooth in one hand and a bloodied tissue in the other hand. She had pulled them out! It makes a parent want to cry - funny how a child bloodying themselves can make you feel so proud!

Having introduced Ella at the beginning you may feel little progress has been made here. Last time many of you heard from her she was pretending to be a dog and demanding that her food be served to her in a bowl on the floor. We feel that her metamorphosis from panting dog to preying tiger is indeed progression especially considering her ability to convince the younger of her own species to willingly play victim and walk into walls with blankets on their heads. Her ability to quote movies is quite astonishing but sometimes a little confusing if you have not watched the movie yourself. Case in point, driving her home from daddy-daughter date night last week we decided to look out for Christmas lights. Suddenly I hear from the back of the van, "POINT!" Then again, and then again. And then "SQUIRREL!" followed by a self gratifying cackle. Thoroughly confused I mentioned this series of worrying and random outbursts to Marjolaine, thinking there may be some defect in our 2004 model child and that we may have to take her in for repairs. Thankfully Marjolaine saved me from a rather embarrassing conversation with the local Walmart returns department by explaining they had just recently watched the movie "UP!" in which there is a talking dog who speaks everything on his mind and says "POINT" every time he sees something and "SQUIRREL" at random moments during conversation when he sees a squirrel. Aside from this, Ella is also showing signs of progress in French and has a skill for keeping reverent and straight faced during primary presentations at church when her parents are trying to make her smile by pulling faces and poking a tongue out at her. While we won't be encouraging it, she definitely would fit in well at a poker table. Remarkably she is showing some amazing ability to spot specific items on a board with sinister speed in a game called ISpy where you each have a board covered with pictures of about a hundred small items and then each person is handed a card with 10 items and you have to try and match an item from the card with an item on your board. She is currently undefeated, consistently beating not only her siblings but both parents also.
Invariably each success is followed by her cackling laugh, no doubt copied from the array of witches she idolizes from different Disney movies. I should mention also that recently Ella quite matter of fact told me she no longer believed in the Easter Bunny. When I asked her how she got her easter eggs then, she replied pointing her finger accusingly at me, "YOU put them there daddy!" Looks like Santa and the Tooth Fairy will be out of a job soon too. There are rumblings between the older two that they also are figments of adults' imaginations.

Then there is dear Lucy. She is in that in-between stage. A little adult in miniature. Our little pixie fairy. She has finally seemed to master the art of using the potty. Proudly she informs me each day that she used the potty and that she heard it tinkle. She loves to play and use the computer but does not yet know how to read. She has recently taken on the habit of telling everybody that she will be going to school in September, although I am not sure she has any concept of how far away September still is.
Having said that she is obviously learning how adults interact with each other. We had a little conversation the other day where she brought two oranges downstairs, one for her and one for me. I thanked her for my apple. Of course she corrected me and told me it was an orange. With mock confusion I said I thought it was an apple to which she replied with perfect timing, rolling her eyes, shaking her head and sighing, "Ugh! Daddy!" Refusing to let it end there I then said maybe it was a banana or an orange-ana. Quite frustrated with my obvious lack of understanding, she turned to me with all the severity and sternness her 2 years and 11 month old face could muster and said "Daddy! Say it after me. OR-ANGE!" There really is no other reply to that. I duly obliged as Marjolaine giggled beside me. She is definitely still our little snuggle bug. She loves to cuddle and be held like a baby and she has the most endearing way of making you feel like she cares deeply for you by placing both of her tiny hands on your face and rubbing your cheek as she snuggles with you and says "I love you".

Finally, we come to Joshua. Destroyer of all in his path. This miniature mad scientist loves to build and then tear down and has no qualms about finding other people's creations and destroying them also. To say he likes electronics would be somewhat of an understatement, as you may have already gathered by his exploits on the iRoomba. But it goes further. Computers, iPods, phones, cell phones, TVs, lights, vacuum cleaner, DVD player, our minivan, remote controls - all have experienced the destructive force of Joshua the Great. If it has a button to push, he is pushing it (I think he is already working out that "parents" come with buttons too! Seems like a lot of kids figure this out early on and learn how to push them!) It's not that he wants to break things but when they don't perform to his expectations he gets frustrated and it just so happens that when he bangs things or throws things they seem to produce the noises and effects he was originally seeking. He also has an obsession with anything round that resembles a ball. Of course his favorite item in this classification is a ball itself. He has learned to kick them from standstill as well as from a running start as well as first time as the ball is moving towards him. However a ball is easily substituted in his mind by anything else that looks like it - such as a tangerine, walnut, daddy's face and so on. He has a good strong throwing arm also, as demonstrated by daddy's growing lineup of bumps and bruises but most astonishing was his self-imposed regime of regularly putting on 7 yr old Mackenzie's pink T-ball helmet and picking up her bat and hitting the ball off the t-ball post with incredible accuracy for a kid who can't even talk yet.
There is hope even for this basic of grunting neanderthal-like creations. At church he has taken on the role of greeter, shaking the hands of all that he feels need attention during meetings. Favoritism seems to be given to the missionaries and then to those with candy.

Of course running an asylum such as this, it is fair to say we often end the day feeling like we are becoming ever closer to being one of the inmates. But then when you see how adults play out in the real world maybe getting down on your hands and knees and chasing the kids around the house like a tiger is not such a bad thing after all. Just watch out for the walls and the kid surfing the floorboards on his iRoomba!